My little quips about "September 17"

The word temptation has come to mean something bad to us today, but we tend to use the word in the wrong way. Temptation itself is not sin; it is something we are bound to face simply by virtue of being human. Not to be tempted would mean that we were already so shameful that we would be beneath contempt. Yet many of us suffer from temptations we should never have to suffer, simply because we have refused to allow God to lift us to a higher level where we would face temptations of another kind.

A person’s inner nature, what he possesses in the inner, spiritual part of his being, determines what he is tempted by on the outside. The temptation fits the true nature of the person being tempted and reveals the possibilities of his nature. Every person actually determines or sets the level of his own temptation, because temptation will come to him in accordance with the level of his controlling, inner nature.

Temptation comes to me, suggesting a possible shortcut to the realization of my highest goal— it does not direct me toward what I understand to be evil, but toward what I understand to be good. Temptation is something that confuses me for a while, and I don’t know whether something is right or wrong. When I yield to it, I have made lust a god, and the temptation itself becomes the proof that it was only my own fear that prevented me from falling into the sin earlier.

Temptation is not something we can escape; in fact, it is essential to the well-rounded life of a person. Beware of thinking that you are tempted as no one else–what you go through is the common inheritance of the human race, not something that no one has ever before endured. God does not save us from temptations–He sustains us in the midst of them (see Hebrews 2:18 and Hebrews 4:15-16). – My Utmost For His Highest “September 17”, Oswald Chambers

So reading this causes me to reflect on some of my behavior in the past, especially this past year. I am not a very open person, but when it is something that could help others, then I really want to be vulnerable to get it out there that maybe the one person reading this thinks they are such a wretched sinner who God could never forgive or that no one could be as bad to that degree. We are all sinners. Man is not perfect, and in fact, it is when people start putting on the “perfect” face that is when they have the biggest target on their back for failure. I recently heard or read from someone that as Christians we should be open with one another. We are ONE body and therefore should be transparent with one another so we can help each other in our weaknesses, even if it is just accountability or a prayer warrior. This is something that I have not been good at. So many times I wear a mask and put on a “perfect” face, when the truth is I am a mess. I am probably the biggest mess I have been ever in my life. I mean from the outside I might look good. I was a prayer leader, spiritual life direct and resident assistant in my college career. I was a Religion major and have a semester of Seminary under my belt. You would think that I would be like the perfect little pastor’s wife in training. BUT you would be so very wrong. This last year I made some of the poorest decisions of my life and let temptation over take me.

From a young age I knew that I was capable of such sins as I allowed myself to fall into this past year. I remember at a very young age that it really concerned me, but I was resolved to not fall into it. What I now realize is that it was easy for me to say that I would never fall into it if the opportunity never presented itself or if I was too scared of the implications. Well this year was the year where not only the situation presented itself, but I had somehow reasoned it with myself that it wasn’t wrong. WHAT IN THE WORLD? When I talk to my friends about these instances, I tell them that I felt as if I was not even myself.

The temptation fits the true nature of the person being tempted and reveals the possibilities of his nature. Every person actually determines or sets the level of his own temptation, because temptation will come to him in accordance with the level of his controlling, inner nature.

This quote really jumped out at me. Like I said earlier I knew that I was capable of this sin. I had been plagued with temptation of it from a very young age. God knew that where I was in my faith that I could not give into the temptation that came my way this past year, but I let Him down. I honestly have dealt with the sin part and that my actions were wrong for a number of reasons. Now I am trying to deal with disappointing God. I feel like God had such a great plan for me and then I went and screwed it up because I was looking for something that was not God had for me at the time. I feel like now God is like “you chose your way, now figure it out.” I say all this in transparency and honesty. I know that God has a plan for me and he is in control and that He works all things together for His good. These things have been drilled into me my whole life, but I can help but think I am too far-gone. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel as if others just look at me and know what a horrible Christian I am. I feel like they can just judge me. Again I know that God is the only true judge, but like I said I am just being honest here. This past year scared me, knowing what I am capable of. I know I am in a season of healing in my life, but in healing you have to get out the bad before you can make the full recovery. I am just waiting to be purged by God and being made pure before Him. I know that it is not going to be some moment where I know that I am completely clean and healed from this, but I know that overtime my relationship with the Lord will be that much stronger. I will cling to Him that much tighter.

Temptation is something that confuses me for a while, and I don’t know whether something is right or wrong. When I yield to it, I have made lust a god, and the temptation itself becomes the proof that it was only my own fear that prevented me from falling into the sin earlier.

This quote more than any other smacked me on the face. I always knew I was capable of such sin, but my whole life I had these rules and regulations drilled into me. I had rules that had stiff consequences if I did not abide by them. Finally when left with only God and myself to answer to I push boundaries. I then begin to question whether that thing that I had been told my whole life, these last four years, in church, in school wherever is really wrong. I was too scared of the consequences before and now that there aren’t punishments coming from my family or friends, I went a little crazy. I did what I was capable of. This is what plagues me the most. I think of in 1 John when He speaks of Christians living in the light and wanting to do what is right. I also think of Paul saying that He does what He doesn’t want to do and what He doesn’t want to do he does. It causes me to wonder how I can call myself a follower of Christ if I am so quick to jump at an opportunity to spit in Christ’s face. From here on out, and I would love to have people to hold me accountable. I want to serve Christ with my whole heart. My whole life I have known I wanted to do one thing with my life and that is give God glory and show His love to others through helping and serving them. I have that mindset and pay that I can grow in that mindset. While these temptations are not sin, it is giving into them that is the sin. The upside is overcoming these temptations is strength, is victory, is the POWER of CHRIST working in you. I never know if I make sense or I get across what I was hoping to get across, but I hope this helped someone if anything realize that they are not alone or that not all Christians will judge harshly, but that they need to share with someone so that they can have a prayer partner or someone just to help them. We are the Body of Christ, why amputate yourself because of pride. Humble yourself and let the body do what we were created to do WORK TOGETHER!!!

Fail

So the other day I wrote up this awesome blog and I thought I had backed it up and everything, but alas I did not and my lack of a reliable source of internet won the battle of blog posting. I don't remember all the details of the lost blog and I am not going to attempt to rewrite it. :)

Anyways. Today is Independence Day! Seriously, no joke this is probably my second favorite Holiday besides Christmas. I love summer, cookouts, friends, fireworks, the lake, happiness, warmth, freedom, the close vicinity of my birthday, American pride, just the atmosphere around this time of year is something that I wish was year round. It really seems like everyone is in a generally good mood. It is just a good time to relax and not worry about al the hustle and bustle that really has become the everyday American life.

really really bad

Okay,

So apparently I am really bad at this whole blog thing. I am pretty sure NO ONE reads my blog, but in case ya do, I am updating you on my life in 2011, which has proved to be the CRAZIEST year of my life yet.

So a few posts ago I talked about crossing emotional boundaries with a boy. I was boasting about how I had never crossed physical boundaries. Well, just a short 6 weeks after posting that blog, I could no longer hold to those statements. That same boy that hurt me, that same boy that I swore to not talk to again, that same boy who did not reciprocate the love that I felt towards him, was the boy who I gave my first kiss to.

I am not going to be the girl that sits here and tells you that the boy was such a jerk. I am not going to sit here and be angry or call names. I want to be honest. Like I said no one reads this, but if they do I want to get this out there.

My whole life while in moments I could pretend to be proud that I had made it 21 years without being kissed. But honestly I felt that it was because I was ugly and that no boy wanted to kiss me or no boy found me attractive. The truth of the matter is that while I can come across loud and SUPER confident, I really am beyond insecure. So when this boy came right out and said that he had thought about being more physical than just cuddling, my brain went straight to romance. I felt like him wanting to kiss me was going to mean that I was worth something. I thought that it must mean that he cared for me in a way that I cared for him...or at least I hoped.

However, in the back of my mind I knew I was wrong, but I gave into many things that I hadn't planned on and at first it was fun and exciting and then it all came crashing down. I have never been so hurt in my life. I really believed this boy, my best friend, truly cared about me. He would tell me how much he cared about me and really plead with me to believe him. For the longest time I was such a fool and did believe him, but now I know if he cared about me and didn't love me the way I loved him then he should have never treated me the way he did. A man is supposed to protect a woman whether it is someone he is romantically involved with, an acquaintance or a friend. Unfortunately, this boy who made me what I believed was the happiest I could ever be did not protect me. In fact, he put me in harms way and allowed me to put myself in harms way.

I don't want to blame him at all. And to this day, I believe that he had feelings for me, but was too scared of different complications that would come with our relationship. And honestly I think he realized that I deserved something better that he couldn't give me. I am realizing that now. Anyways this is long and I am still learning, but here is a little bit of my heart...stay tuned...

Oh Valentine's Day

Well February 14th has come and gone.

Valentine's Day

Single-awareness Day

I hate love day

I love love day

Day of Purity

just another day

I have all these terms used to describe this date. It is kind of interesting to see how one day can create such a diverse range of emotions. Today marks the anniversary of my first major heart break. I know that in being single for 21 years that I could make this day all about misery and the "wrong" that any guy has done me, but I choose to not let this day get me down. Instead I marvel at the things that people do for each other to show they care. One neat thing is that Valentine's day doesn't necessarily have to be some kind of romantic love display. Today my friend Sarah got me chocolate and a valentine card and a stuffed dog. It made my day. We have a deep friendship love. The weather today was like a Valentines gift from God. It was so beautiful and the perfect day to sit outside and paint my nails and read. That is from someone who gives me unconditional love. While I may not have had someone to show me romantic love that does not mean that may day was ruined. Valentine's day is about making sure that the people you love know it! I hope that any of you that read this know that I love you. Ya'll are amazing and as cheesy as it sounds you are all my valentines!

Gotta roll with the punches.

I feel like the Lord is working a lot in me and I want to share these happenings with you. First I want to say that I am 21 years old and have never kissed a boy, had a relationship with a boy, or really any experience whatsoever with a boy. Well, in May of 2010, I got to experience what it was like to have a close friend that was a boy. As the year progressed we became closer and closer and spent more and more time together until we were always talking or together and became essentially best friends. Well, I now have a theory that guys and girls should not be friends, at least close friends. Things happened emotions were running wild and an ill thought out show of affection occurred. I can still boast that I have not kissed a boy or done anything immoral. However emotional lines were crossed and I have learned the hard way that when that happens things cannot go back to normal. I tried for a while to put my feelings to the side, but finally enough was enough. This boy made perfectly clear that my feelings were not reciprocated. It really hurt me because I felt I poured a lot into the friendship. I am not a half in half out person. I am full-fledged in everything I do. A frustrating thing is that I knew all along that if I actually did have a romantic relationship with this boy it would not be God's best for me. He is an amazing guy, but I know that God has something different for me. It just took a heartbreak of him telling me he didn't feel the same intense emotions towards me that I felt toward him. He had told me in the past that I was funny that I was smart that I was easy to talk to. So I couldn't understand what the problem was. I began to irrationally wonder if it was my lack of good looks or my extra pounds that made my "love" unrequited. So, I had to do the hardest thing I have done in a while and completely end it. It has been a rough few days, but I know that the Lord has a plan. He has already taught me so much through this.

As I was typing this I began to think how many times does God bless us so immensely and we just cast Him aside. We use Him to fulfill our wants and desires, and then we kind of cast him to the side. How many times does God tell us of His love for us and we leave Him for someone else. I know how hurt I felt when I was on the receiving end of that situation, but to God large quantities of peoples treat God like this and to a higher standard. In my situation I had to let go to guard my heart for me, for the boy, for my future husband, and ultimately God. We are supposed to serve Him with a pure heart untainted by the things of this world. The thing that is so awesome about God is no matter what, He doesn't leave us. He doesn't need R and R. He stays around despite the neglect of what He wants from us. Oh, to be able to learn things the easy way would be way less heartbreaking, but it would probably not be as profound.

Every Semester, New challenges

Ever since I stepped foot onto Liberty University's campus, my life has be change after change after change. At first it was living on a hall that had about as many girls on it as were in the town I lived half my life in. The next was weeding through friends. In college girls typically seem to cling to their roommates until they get sick of each other. In my case, my roommate just started making poor decisions and I realized that at the point I was in my faith that I needed to be surrounding myself with like-people. God blessed me so much by giving me some of the best friends any one could ask for. Seriously those best friends you see in the movies had nothing on us. We literally told each other everything, encouraged each other, shared what the Lord had been teaching us, etc... Being blessed with those friendships will always have me looking back at freshman year with such fondness. As sophomore year came along my group of friends were assured that since we had found each other and would all be living on the same hall that we would have fewer problems, boy were we wrong. Three of the girls had boyfriends and two of us were left wishing we did. Through out the year break ups happened, crushes, first kisses, mistakes, and proposals were made. This year also was when my mom passed away. Seriously this year was amazing because I feel that it strengthened our friendship and I saw truly how blessed I was to minister and live with these girls, but there also started to be some strain toward the end of the year. The summer was filled with fun and friends going separate ways. Finally after being apart for a few months we came together for the nuptials of our dear friend Sarah. As we came together, we knew that the summer had changed us. Some for the better, some for the worse. It was a bittersweet time because we were reunited, but only to have our best friend "leave" us in a sense to be married and leave our carefree single life behind so that she could live with a boy and take on a different calling from the rest of us as a wife. During the first semester of our junior year things were not easy the transition from living together and always being able to be together to scheduling time to hang out to understanding that just because Sarah was married, it didn't mean that she abandoned us. We were still best friends and more break ups happened, another engagement and even one of the previous singles got her first boyfriend. After getting past the awkward period of growing into our new friendship, we seemed to be stronger that ever, well at least some of us. One of our dear friends was slipping away. After Christmas break everything would change. It was a hard time, but the rest of us drew closer together. It was a time to realize how important we were to each other. We knew that our friendship was unique; we just had to figure out how hard we were going to fight for it. The summer after junior year started off a little strained. Some of us had gotten closer while some of us seemed to be more distant. In the middle of the summer our beloved Brittney was wed. It was pretty difficult because we were best friends but Kristina, Sarah, and I felt very disconnected from her new life. However as the summer went on we were able to reconnect and understand that life can be stressful and we have to constantly be going through change as much as we hate it. Finally we reached our senior year, having seen each other through so many situations that people wouldn't deal with in a lifetime of friendship. We had been friends for not even four years. Brittney moved farther than just a few miles out of town, Kristina graduated, Sarah was balancing school, work and being a wife. I was in my last year of college and learning to handle new responsibilities. Again strains happened in relationships. Things were said that hurt each other because we were hurting. Eventually as the Lord has done throughout our friendship, He healed us and brought us back together. Currently now, we are yet again in another change. Kristina left for Romania after her and I strengthened our friendship this last semester. Just being their for each other in the hard issues that were going on in our lives and even just to be completely random and immature. Sarah is still balancing everything, and her and I are still close. We have the friendship where we can gab hours about nothing and then go and read and not say anything to each other for hours and it not be awkward and be perfectly content. Brittney is farther away and we don't get to see her as much as we want, but we know that the bond we have with each other is something that the Lord has blessed us with and is worth fighting for. Lastly I am in my first semester of seminary and going through life not with out heartache and struggles, but one thing is for sure God is so good and no matter what He has blessed me more than I deserve. I am excited to see what He has in store....Stay tuned...