So apparently I am really bad at this whole blog thing. I am pretty sure NO ONE reads my blog, but in case ya do, I am updating you on my life in 2011, which has proved to be the CRAZIEST year of my life yet.
So a few posts ago I talked about crossing emotional boundaries with a boy. I was boasting about how I had never crossed physical boundaries. Well, just a short 6 weeks after posting that blog, I could no longer hold to those statements. That same boy that hurt me, that same boy that I swore to not talk to again, that same boy who did not reciprocate the love that I felt towards him, was the boy who I gave my first kiss to.
I am not going to be the girl that sits here and tells you that the boy was such a jerk. I am not going to sit here and be angry or call names. I want to be honest. Like I said no one reads this, but if they do I want to get this out there.
My whole life while in moments I could pretend to be proud that I had made it 21 years without being kissed. But honestly I felt that it was because I was ugly and that no boy wanted to kiss me or no boy found me attractive. The truth of the matter is that while I can come across loud and SUPER confident, I really am beyond insecure. So when this boy came right out and said that he had thought about being more physical than just cuddling, my brain went straight to romance. I felt like him wanting to kiss me was going to mean that I was worth something. I thought that it must mean that he cared for me in a way that I cared for him...or at least I hoped.
However, in the back of my mind I knew I was wrong, but I gave into many things that I hadn't planned on and at first it was fun and exciting and then it all came crashing down. I have never been so hurt in my life. I really believed this boy, my best friend, truly cared about me. He would tell me how much he cared about me and really plead with me to believe him. For the longest time I was such a fool and did believe him, but now I know if he cared about me and didn't love me the way I loved him then he should have never treated me the way he did. A man is supposed to protect a woman whether it is someone he is romantically involved with, an acquaintance or a friend. Unfortunately, this boy who made me what I believed was the happiest I could ever be did not protect me. In fact, he put me in harms way and allowed me to put myself in harms way.
I don't want to blame him at all. And to this day, I believe that he had feelings for me, but was too scared of different complications that would come with our relationship. And honestly I think he realized that I deserved something better that he couldn't give me. I am realizing that now. Anyways this is long and I am still learning, but here is a little bit of my heart...stay tuned...
